The Long Version

Retired broadcast journalist. Blogging helps scratch the itch. Recovering exRepublican – Sober and still Conservative.

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Affordable Car Act (NO I did not misspell Car)

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The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable CAR Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new car by April, 2014.

Lightning-McQueenThese ‘affordable’ cars will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, tags, registration, fuel, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase cars. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ car of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new car. If you purchase your car before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ tires (does not include mounting).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable car,’ the cost of owning a car will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their car will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents car(s) to drive until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own car.

If you already have a car, you can keep it (unless it has more than 150 miles on it). If you don’t want or don’t need a car, you are required to buy one anyway. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable car’ from a private business, you can buy a starter car from the U.S. government ‘affordable car exchange.’  Such a car will have the basic necessities and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar car purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a car from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable car exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a *good deal.

Failure to use the car will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to roads are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, or lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your car.

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your car, along with how many people can ride in your car. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their car, and will also decide if your car has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories like spinning rims or a newer and more expensive car.

2013_mercedes-benz_s-class-pic-2731401808886937759

In fairness, those that can afford luxury cars will be required to purchase one. The government will also decide the color of each car. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials and their staff are **exempt from this new law. They are important and too busy running our lives to bother with the hassles and common folkishness of car shopping.  They and their families receive cars free, delivered to them at  tax payer expense.  This includes lifetime maintenance and automatic adjustments for fuel charges.

ENJOY YOUR NEW RIDE!

*Our good deals are made possible by the former Cash for Clunkers program.

**Unions, bankers, and mega companies with a history of large political affiliations/donations, Muslims, and Amish are also exempt.

(S A T I R E by S. Soloman that has been altered from boats to cars, with revisions and additions by TheLongVersion.)

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The Politics of Gerrymandering or Vice Versa

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Democrats and Liberals and Progressives (OH MY) are up in arms over a rule change by the House Republicans.

Late in the evening on September 30, 2013, the House Rules Committee Republicans changed the Rules of the House so that the ONLY Member allowed to call up the Senate’s clean CR for a vote was Majority Leader Eric Cantor or his designee — all but guaranteeing the government would shut down a few hours later and would stay shut down. Previously, any Member would have had the right to bring the CR up for a vote.

This is what we’ve come to in Washington DC politics.  The division between the two major parties has become so large and so corrosive that neither will work with the other.  Rather than even try they simply look for ways to get around whatever impediment the other side puts in their way.  In other words, they gerrymander the system to get what they want when they want it.

It happens on both sides and its wrong in either case.

But we can’t let Liberals squawk about this rule change without reminding them of the underhanded tricks, procedural gimmicks, and gerrymandering that took place when Obamacare was voted into law without a single Republican vote in 2010, even though the Senate did not have the super majority it needed to ram it through.

Here is the story behind that gerrymandering fiasco.

How Obamacare Became the “Law of the Land”.

senator_nancypelosi_obamacareYou may recall the Democrats in the Senate weren’t able to pass their version of the Healthcare law because all revenue bills must originate in the House of Representatives.  So the Senate found a bill that met those qualifications: HR3590, a military housing bill.  They took that bill and basically stripped all the language out of it and turned it into the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, which we now all know as Obamacare.  Dirty trick number one.

Oh but It gets better.

At the time the new fangled HR3590 was passed and moved to the Senate, the Democrats had 60 Senators, just enough to pass this gerrymandered bill.  However, after that bill passed the Senate, Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy died.  In his place, Massachusetts elected a Republican, Scott Brown, to replace him.  Now the Democrats no longer had the super majority needed to rubber stamp the Healthcare law, Obama’s signature legislation.

That meant, if the House made any changes to the bill, the Senate would not have the super majority to push the bill through without Republican help and Republicans were not on board with Obamacare.

So the Senate Democrats made a deal with the Democrats in the House with no input from any Republicans.  The House would agree to pass the Senate bill without any changes, IF the Senate agreed to pass a separate bill by the House that made changes to the Senate version.  This second bill was called the Reconciliation Act of 2010.  It made some detail changes and added some language to the bill.  You scratch my back I’ll scratch yours.  Dirty trick number two.

So the House passed the PPACA, the Senate bill, and their Reconciliation Act.  Making the PPACA ready for the President’s signature, but the Senate still needed to pass the Reconciliation Act from the House.

Confused yet?

Now remember the Senate only had 59 votes to pass the Reconciliation Act since a Republican, Scott Brown, replaced Democrat Ted Kennedy.  That meant in order to pass the Reconciliation Act the Democrats in the Senate had to change the rules.

They declared (because they were the majority and could) that they would use the Reconciliation Rule to pass the Reconciliation Act — the Reconciliation Act and Reconciliation Rule are not the same thing but the irony is simply amazing!

Stay with me.

5639556_Obama_Obamacare_Signature_600x515_xlargeThe Reconciliation Rule was only used for budget item approvals to allow budgets to be approved and passed by a simple majority vote of 51 Senators rather than the usual 60 super majority.  The Reconciliation rule had never been used nor was it ever intended to be used to pass legislation of the magnitude of Obamacare, but that wasn’t about to keep the Democrats from getting their way come Hell or high water!  So they used this obscure rule with some very liberal interpretation (pun intended) to pass the bill.  Dirty trick number three.

Both of the “Acts” passed both houses of congress and were then signed by President Obama.  All done by Democrats without a single favorable Republican vote.  To quote Democrat Representative Alcee Hastings of the House Rules Committee during the bill process: “We’re making up the rules as we go along”.  They certainly couldn’t have passed this law without doing so.

I don’t care what party you align yourself with, show me the integrity in that process. Defend the actions of the Democrats and President Obama. Some of you Liberals may have done so at the time the law was passed.  I don’t know how, but maybe you figured out a way that sat well with you. But what about now? Now that we’ve seen what a disaster the implementation of this law has become. Do you still defend the method of its passage? Do you still say Republicans should have been shut out of the process? That it was right to ignore their ideas and input on the law?

And now, as Republicans use the same dirty underhanded tactics to get what they want you scream foul!?!  Really?

What goes around comes around. The Republicans have figured it out.  They’ve finally succumbed to using the same political guerrilla warfare they seen used on them by Democrats for decades.  Principles be damned.  To Hell with integrity, decorum, and fairness.  Win at all costs.

That’s how we got here and it’s only going to get worse.  The power brokers on both sides in DC think they are “winning” while the rest of us are losing.

Big time.

Dear Republican/Democrat “Base,” Why Do You Let Your Party Take You For Fools?

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This post comes via a challenge.

Reg Saddler @Politics_PR on twitter tweeted a link to a blog post by Milt Shook on The PCTC* Blog titled, “Dear Republican Base, Why Do You Let Your Party Take You For Fools.”

As I read this “interesting” post it became very clear that it was written from pure ideology as opposed to reasoned, logical, or factual thought. OK there were some facts scattered here and there but without any citation or way to confirm them. Accusations were made with no evidence.  Stereotypes were strewn about like dirty socks on the bedroom floor of triplets.

That’s when it dawned on me how easy it would be to simply switch the word Republican for Democrat, red state for blue state, conservative pundits with liberal ones, and turn the post into a completely different slant without actually rewriting it.  It was easy because it was lazy for the most part. 99.9% opinion.

I tried to stick to the original text as much as possible only exchanging words and names.  In some cases I had to change the viewpoint of some paragraphs from anti-right to anti-left.  Basically providing the counter argument to the original premise.  I admit I had a ton of fun doing it.

So what does this really prove or show?  That far too often we believe our own crap doesn’t stink but the other guy’s does.  That we can become too zealous for our own good to the point that we are blind to the inefficiencies, inaccuracies, and inconsistencies of our own team.  That in actuality we are far closer in our core views and values than we like to admit.  Right, left, or center.

It’s silly.  But then so was this challenge.  I’m hopeful @kakkers123 @Politics_PR get a kick out of it.  They’re probably the only ones who will read it or understand what it even means.

The original post can be found here The PCTC* Blog I suggest reading it first for context.

The Switcheroo Version:

Dear Democrat “Base,” Why Do You Let Your Party Take You For Fools?

I really don’t understand why the people in blue states continue to vote Democrat, and do so habitually. Why do none of them take the time to realize that the Democratic leadership is playing them for fools. Therefore, I am directing this to the Democrats who make up their party’s “base.”

Do you know why the Democrat Party says the things they do to? It’s because you fall for it, that’s why. They’re trying to fleece you, and you let them! Actually, not only do you let them, you practically insist that they continue.

Look at the loudest voices on the Democratic side. Do you really think people like Lawrence O’Donnell, Ed Schultz, Michael Moore and the like actually believe the crap they spout? They sure don’t live the way they demand you live. O’Donnell is an avowed socialist, who oddly has never chosen to actually move to a socialist country. Apparently he likes the way capitalism works and the money he makes preaching the life he chooses not to live. Then there’s this left-wing Democrat Socialist caused controversy over his intro for an interview with Michael Steele which was considered racially insensitive. He said, “Michael Steele is dancing as fast as he can, trying to charm independent voters and Tea Partiers while never losing sight of his real master and paycheck provider, the Republican National Committee.” He apologizes more often for his inaccurate remarks on TV than the president does for the country on his international tours.

The highest profile Democrat mouthpieces, like Rachel Maddow, Bill Maher, Piers Morgan, and countless others have others write books full of lies, slander and bigotry for them (you don’t really think they write them, do you?), because they know the Democrat “base” will buy them, and left-wing websites will give them away as premiums to those of you who pay them every month for the privilege of reading their lies.

Progressive Press has built a website selling books that no one actually reads, because no one knows they exist. If you think I’m kidding, go to progressivepress.com and see for yourself. If you thought the right were conspiracy theorists just wait till you get a load of these titles!

These people, who are heavily sponsored by the Democrat Party and their sponsors, tell you guys what you want to hear, and you fall for it. If you look closely, they never actually do anything; they know you’ll support them with lots of money, because you seem to have no idea you’re being fleeced. This is the Mainstream Media business model; tell you left wingers what you want to hear, regardless of the facts, and collect money for doing so. They repeat Democratic talking points because that’s what makes them money. I will guarantee you that, if conservatives were as gullible, there would be a conservative network like you Libs have with the Mainstream Media.

You folks in the Democratic “base” are the veritable wet dream of environmental extremists, unions, and socialists of the country, because you’re gullible. You have little to no money, and you will buy anything “certain people” want to sell you. The current leadership of the Democrat Party are nothing more than snake oil salesmen, and they count on the “base” to be dumb enough to buy anything they sell, no matter how ludicrous and fraudulent what they’re selling is.

If you’re part of the Democrat “base,” what the hell is wrong with you? Red states are better places to live; they feature more jobs, better pay, better education, less crime and an overall better standard of living. I’ve proven it with the numbers in another blog post. The only reason your states get away with higher taxes is because, well, you’re gullible and think you’re getting something for your money.

Think about it. Most people who habitually vote Democrat have almost no money, and yet, you cheer when the Democrats screw you by playing favorites with Wall Street, exchanging favors for campaign dollars, and turning a blind eye when they ship jobs overseas or replace you with automation and technology. Why do that to yourself? Because Bill Clinton was hot? Because Barack Obama is mesmerizing? Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but most of the Democrat “base” has seen almost nothing from all those tax increases and stimulus packages. According to a CBO report the stimulus actually hurt the economy over the long-term.

I guess the question is, Democrats, how stupid are you? You know your states are economic toilets, where the unions and corporation cronies get treated like kings, while the average person is treated like a serf. You are being played, Democrat “base,” and the way you get played just keeps getting more absurd.

For example, let’s look at the Affordable Care Act for a moment, shall we? You know it as Obamacare.

If you are one of those who think it’s a good law and will help everyone, you’re a stone fool, and you’re being played by the Democrat Party leadership. Need proof Obamacare is a bad idea? President Obama has already signed 14 laws that amend, rescind, or otherwise change parts of his own health care law, and he’s taken five independent steps to “delay” Obamacare on his own. Odd behavior for someone who said this law was the best thing since raspberry white chocolate cheesecake.

Obamacare has turned out to be perhaps the biggest job killer in US history. Companies (who weren’t special enough to get exemptions from the law) are laying off workers or cutting hours below the new 30 hour work week to avoid ACA requirements, while others are just trying to lighten the books enough to allow them to pay for Obamacare and not go under. Telling employees, too bad, sorry, we wish we could keep you, but…

See, what your Democrat handlers are doing is fleecing you. They’re taking campaign funds from you by making promises that they can’t possibly keep. Social security, medicare, and other entitlement programs are headed for bankruptcy. More Americans rely on government handouts than ever before. You know, you guys are always at the head of the line. All of this is bad for the economy which has gotten worse every year of Obama’s presidency, but you keep thinking he’s the best leader since Jimmy carter.

Therefore, how pissed off will you be when the SS checks stop coming or you’re no longer considered for that medical procedure because your old and you’ll die soon anyway. Even your trusted Democratic leaders now admit to death panels. Oh they don’t call em that but that’s what they are.

Stop believing everything the Democrat BS machine puts out there for you to buy. Learn to think for yourselves, Democrats. They’re lying to you, to make lots of money from you. At some point, you have to open your eyes and look around and realize this.

The Miley and Robin Letters

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MTV stands for Music Television.  But this past week MTV became Miley Television.

402631-miley-cyrus-grabs-crotchMiley Cyrus, the once cute and lovable Hanna Montana on the Disney channel, displayed her disturbing and sexually overt persona transformation into a tongue wagging, butt slapping, twerking spectacle at the VMA’s and and in that instant became a polarizing pop culture figure.

I’m not going to discuss the disgusting details of Cyrus’ performance or failure depending upon your perspective.  What I want to share are the lessons that can and should be learned by every person who watched or has read about the now infamous awards show.

The lessons have been eloquently penned by two bloggers in the form of letters to their sons and daughters.

Some will read this and be changed by it.  Others will scoff, mock, and dismiss as an over-reaction or old-fashioned thinking.

You have your agency to choose how you react, but at least choose to read and consider.

 

Penned by Blogger Kim Keller at Roadkillgoldfish.com

Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.

If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.

Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.

You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.

Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.

You can thank me later.

**********************

Penned by Blogger and Radio Show host Matt Walsh at The Matt Walsh Blog

Dear son,

Don’t let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you.

Don’t let any of these pigs and perverts you see on TV be a lesson to you. They treat women like garbage; they possess no chivalry, no self control; they are disloyal and dishonest; they spend all day pursuing pleasure at the expense of others, and they encourage you to do the same. You might be tempted to follow suit. In fact, you WILL be tempted. These male pop stars and celebrities, look at them, you’ll think. They take advantage of emotionally broken, self loathing, confused young women, and they are rewarded handsomely for it. Look at their nice clothes and their nice cars. Look how they are admired and loved. Look, they treat women like trash and other women fawn all over them because of it. This must be how real men behave, you’ll think.

And you’ll be wrong. You’ll be wrong about a lot of things in life — this is what it means to be human — but never will you be more wrong than when you feel the temptation to buy the lies that pop culture sells about the nature of true masculinity. Son, there is nothing glamorous or fun about being a man of low character and no integrity. What you see on TV is a facade. It’s a sales pitch. It’s poison. You see the bright lights and the sexy women, but you don’t see what happens when the cameras are off and these pop culture gods return to their lives as mere mortals. You don’t see them in their big, empty, lonely houses. You don’t see the emptiness in the pit of their souls. You don’t see all the alcohol and drugs they have to use to dull the pain of living a life devoid of real, committed relationships. You don’t see the hatred they have for themselves and for humanity. You don’t see the jealousy they have towards normal, decent men.

Your dad is no celebrity. He’s just an average, boring guy. But he’s got something that every famous and non-famous womanizer envies: He’s got the love and commitment of ONE beautiful, smart, faithful woman. He’s got your mom, and he’ll only have your mom until the day he dies. He ought to be waking up every day shouting praises to the Lord because of that.

Listen, son, don’t let the world tell you how to be a man. They don’t know anything about the subject.

Men are loyal. Men are honest. Men respect and honor women. A man goes out and finds one woman, and he vows to protect and love her for the rest of his life. A man would never betray that vow. Even the weakest and most cowardly man — if he is a man at all — would die for the woman he loves. Your dad is no hero, but let someone try to hurt your mom and watch him suddenly turn into Superman (or Batman, whichever you prefer).

See, son, you don’t have to be big and strong to be a man, although I think you will be one day. You don’t have to be “cool” or athletic. You don’t have to play guitar or fix cars. These are all fine things, but they don’t define a man. A man is defined by how he treats women, by how he keeps his promises, and by how he protects and serves the ones he loves. That’s what makes a man a man. My dad taught me that, he taught it by example. I pray I can do the same for you.

Oh, and by the way, if I ever catch you disrespecting women, I will sit you down and talk to you about it. But first I’ll kick your butt up and down the street. That’s a promise.

Love,

Your old man

Written by DCL

August 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm

Sensibility and Nonsense

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Sensibility says the overthrow of the government in Egypt was a military coup – Nonsense says it was democracy at work.

Sensibility says the attack at Fort Hood was perpetrated by a terrorist – Nonsense says it was workplace violence.

Sensibility says the attack on the consulate in Benghazi was a terrorist attack – Nonsense says it was random violence sparked by a video.

Sensibility says terminating a pregnancy after the 20th week is too late – Nonsense says it’s never to late.

Sensibility says a government collecting mass amounts of data on its citizens including personal communications without cause can’t be trusted – Nonsense says it’s no big deal because I’m not doing anything wrong.

Sensibility says the IRS singling out individuals and groups based on religious, political, or ideological views for scrutiny and ill-favored treatment is abuse of power – Nonsense says it’s a conspiracy theory.

Sensibility says the rash of scandals in recent months coming out of this administration is a symptom of a much bigger problem – Nonsense says it’s all phony.

I don’t know about you but all this nonsense is offending my sensibilities.

Detroit For Dummys

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Detroit, Michigan.

My family nearly moved there in the late 60’s.  My father was offered a very good job, salary, and benefits with one caveat; that he pick up and move his family to the Motor City.  I don’t know all the reasons behind my dad’s decision to turn that high paying job down, but he did and we stayed in Happy Valley (that would be Utah County).

Detroit became the largest municipality to declare bankruptcy in the United States this past week.

How did a city that once held the highest per capita income rate in the nation, become a ghost of its once great self?

I’ll let Steven Crowder explain.

 

Why is this country so blind to the blatant results of decades of governance by the left?  Detroit is just one unavoidable example of the failures of leftist ideology when it comes to governing.  Do we have to wait for California to follow suit?

 

Written by DCL

July 22, 2013 at 4:50 pm

Skyfall-quester

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Heard on Rush Limbaugh’s radio program today and had to share. I think we should have a Rewind Y2K Bash and see what happens in the morning. ‘Cause tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999!