The Long Version

Retired broadcast journalist. Blogging helps scratch the itch. Recovering exRepublican – Sober and still Conservative.

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Dear Entertainment Industry

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This letter has been circulating on social media since the election.  I have no idea who the original author is so I can’t provide attribution, but I believe it sums up the thoughts and feelings of most everyday Americans.

I’ve made a few adjustments and added some thoughts of my own making it more about the players in the entertainment industry rather than about Donald Trump, because it doesn’t really matter who’s running for what, their opinions don’t matter to me.

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Dear Musicians, Hollywood actors, and Entertainers in general,

I’m not interested in your political views, social views, or personal activism. So please, don’t use your prominent place on the stage, big screen, or TV to shove them down my throat.

You exist for my entertainment. Some of you are great eye candy. Some of you can deliver a line with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes. Some of you can scare the crap out of me. Others make me laugh. But you all have one thing in common, you only have a place in my world to entertain me.

That’s it.

You make your living pretending to be someone else. Playing dress up like a 6-year-old. You live in a make-believe world in front of a camera. And often when you are away from one too. Your entire existence depends on my patronage. I’ll crank the organ grinder; you dance.

I don’t really care where you stand on issues. Honestly, your stance matters far less to me than that of my neighbor. You see, you aren’t real. I turn off my TV or shut down my computer and you cease to exist in my world. Once I am done with you, I can put you back in your little box until I want you to entertain me again. I don’t care who you vote for or why. I’m glad you vote, now get back into your bubble. I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood to be entertained.

Make me laugh, or cry. Scare me. But realize that the only words of yours that matter are scripted.

I might agree with some of you from time to time, but it doesn’t matter. In my world, you exist solely for my entertainment.

So please just do what you do best. Read your lines, sing your songs, and dance.

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Written by DCL

January 18, 2017 at 10:25 am

Posted in Humor, Politics

I Love the Smell of Irony in the Morning

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The world’s billionaires, celebrities, royalty, and bureaucratic elite, converged on Davos, Switzerland this week for the 2015 World Economic Forum.

Among the topics discussed by the uber rich and super popular were education, gender equality, revolutionizing the world’s food supply, energy, global security, human vs artificial intelligence, the rise of shadow banking, and (drum roll) global climate change.

No discussion on global warming would be complete without Al Gore leading the charge.  The former Vice President teamed up with Mexican President Felipe Calderon to tell the world about their plan to rebuild everything!  No, seriously, in order to combat global warming and therefore global catastrophe, every city must be rebuilt in a way that we can eliminate all cars from the planet. You must be able to walk everywhere you want to go in the perfect utopian world!  Well, not everywhere, because there will be mass transit in Gore’s utopia, I mean the elites can’t be expected to walk or stay within a very small geographic radius…right?

The price tag for Gore’s brilliant idea?  A mere, 90 trillion dollars…

Now that you’ve straightened up after doubling over with hilarity here’s the punch line.

The very people enjoying a week at a posh ski resort in the Swiss Alps while lecturing you and me about our cars, wood burning fireplaces, body odor, and sinister carbon footprints, arrived in Zurich aboard more than 1700 private jets, various helicopters, and SUVs…

The influx of private jets is so great, the Swiss Armed Forces has been forced to open up a military air base for the first time ever to absorb all the super rich flying their private jets into the event, reports Newsweek.

That’s not just a carbon footprint, that’s a carbon crater.

Even Jon Stewart had to acknowledge the hypocrisy avalanche in the Alps.

Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds had the response of the week: “I’ll believe it’s a crisis when the people who tell me it’s a crisis start acting like it’s a crisis.”

darvos irony

Did You Hear the One About the Obama Administration Scandal?

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From ObamaforDummies… Enjoy!

Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,

Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean voter fraud?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”

Bob: “No the other one:.

Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The president’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The president’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The president’s repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The president’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”

Jim: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”

Bob: “THAT’S THE ONE!”

Read more at http://www.youngcons.com/absolutely-greatest-obama-joke-time/#BCWDXlT8kQ0Ps0Pg.99

Written by DCL

January 16, 2015 at 5:48 pm

The Wisdom of the Aged

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James K. Flanagan passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack on September 3, 2012. But he left behind the wisdom he gleaned from the 72 years of his life in a letter to his five grandchildren.

It is wisdom that will benefit us all if we will but take heed.

 

James K FlanaganDear Ryan, Conor, Brendan, Charlie, and Mary Catherine,

My wise and thoughtful daughter Rachel urged me to write down some advice for you, the important things that I have learned about life. I am beginning this on 8 April 2012, the eve of my 72nd birthday.

1. Each one of you is a wonderful gift of God both to your family and to all the world. Remember it always, especially when the cold winds of doubt and discouragement fall upon your life.

2. Be not afraid . . . of anyone or of anything when it comes to living your life most fully. Pursue your hopes and your dreams no matter how difficult or “different” they may seem to others. Far too many people don’t do what they want or should do because of what they imagine others may think or say. Remember, if they don’t bring you chicken soup when you’re sick or stand by you when you’re in trouble, they don’t matter. Avoid those sour-souled pessimists who listen to your dreams then say, “Yeah, but what if . . .” The heck with “what if. . .” Do it! The worst thing in life is to look back and say: “I would have; I could have; I should have.” Take risks, make mistakes.

3. Everyone in the world is just an ordinary person. Some people may wear fancy hats or have big titles or (temporarily) have power and want you to think they are above the rest. Don’t believe them. They have the same doubts, fears, and hopes; they eat, drink, sleep, and fart like everyone else. Question authority always but be wise and careful about the way you do it.

4. Make a Life List of all those things you want to do: travel to places; learn a skill; master a language; meet someone special. Make it long and do some things from it every year. Don’t say “I’ll do it tomorrow” (or next month or next year). That is the surest way to fail to do something. There is no tomorrow, and there is no “right” time to begin something except now.

5. Practice the Irish proverb: Moi an olge agus tiocfaidh si “Praise the child and she will flourish.”

6. Be kind and go out of your way to help people — especially the weak, the fearful, and children. Everyone is carrying a special sorrow, and they need our compassion.

7. Don’t join the military or any organization that trains you to kill. War is evil. All wars are started by old men who force or fool young men to hate and to kill each other. The old men survive, and, just as they started the war with pen and paper, they end it the same way. So many good and innocent people die. If wars are so good and noble, why aren’t those leaders who start wars right up there fighting?

8. Read books, as many as you can. They are a wonderful source of delight, wisdom, and inspiration. They need no batteries or connections, and they can go anywhere.

9. Be truthful.

10. Travel: always but especially when you are young. Don’t wait until you have “enough” money or until everything is “just right.” That never happens. Get your passport today.

11. Pick your job or profession because you love to do it. Sure, there will be some things hard about it, but a job must be a joy. Beware of taking a job for money alone — it will cripple your soul.

12. Don’t yell. It never works, and it hurts both yourself and others. Every time I have yelled, I have failed.

13. Always keep promises to children. Don’t say “we’ll see” when you mean “no.” Children expect the truth; give it to them with love and kindness.

14. Never tell anyone you love them when you don’t.

15. Live in harmony with Nature: go into the outdoors, woods, mountains, sea, desert. It’s important for your soul.

16. Visit Ireland. It’s where the soul of our family was born — especially the West: Roscommon, Clare, and Kerry.

17. Hug people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you now; don’t wait until it’s too late.

18. Be grateful. There is an Irish saying: “This is a day in our lives, and it will not come again.” Live every day with this in mind.

As was written in his obituary, James K. Flanagan “was proudly liberal and fought unyieldingly for the underdog. He was an accomplished author, poet, and seanchai — Irish storyteller; he reveled in recounting the joy of growing up Catholic in Jersey City and his adventures in the Adirondack Mountains and on the Western coast of Ireland. His greatest love was spending time with his family, most of all his five grandchildren” Ryan (11); Conor (10); Brendan (9); Charles (8); and Mary Catherine (5).”

*Previously published in the San Francisco Globe.

Written by DCL

March 29, 2014 at 11:40 am

Americans with No Abilities Act: See the Future – Be the Future

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President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Legislation is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

mediocrity“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.  At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.  Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”  “As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.

*A similar article appeared in TheOnion.com in 1998 but appears to be even more relevant today than it was back then.

Obamacare: The Florist Version

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Obama FlowersWhat would it be like if the floral industry operated under a law like the Affordable Care Act?  Here’s a glimpse at what it might be like trying to order a bouquet of flowers under such a scenario.

This is pretty funny…or not…

Receptionist:  Hello, Welcome to Obama Flowers, My name is Trina. How can I help you?

Customer:  Hello.  I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

Receptionist:  Yes!  I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you.

Customer:  Thanks, I ordered a “Spring Bouquet” for our anniversary, and wanted it  delivered to my wife.

Receptionist:  Interrupting, Sir, “Spring Bouquets” do not meet our  minimum standards, I will  be happy to provide you with Red Roses.

Customer:  But I have always ordered “Spring Bouquets”, done it  for years, my wife likes them.

Receptionist:  Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them.

Customer: Well, how much are  they?

Receptionist: It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package.

Customer: What’s the difference?

Receptionist: 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses.

Customer: The Silver package may be okay, how much is it?

Receptionist: It depends sir, what is your monthly income?

Customer: What does that have to do with anything?

Receptionist: I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our FlowerAid department.

Customer: FlowerAid?

Receptionist: Yes, Flowers are a right.  Everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

Customer: Who said they were a right?

Receptionist: Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it constitutional.

Customer: Whoa!  I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding flowers as a right.

Receptionist:  It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court  Ruled it a “Tax”. Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a right.

Customer: I don’t believe this.

Receptionist: It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

Customer: Forget it, I think I will forgo the flowers this year.

Receptionist: In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income.

Customer: Why?

Receptionist: To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

Customer: WHAT?  You can’t charge me for NOT buying flowers!

Receptionist: It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income.

Customer interrupting: This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $9.50.

Receptionist: Sir, it is $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

Customer: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a rip-off!

Receptionist: Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

Customer: Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going  to pay it.

Receptionist: Sorry to hear that sir.  That’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

Customer: Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

Receptionist: So they get your GPS coordinates sir.

Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door.

Customer: Hold on for a minute, there’s someone at my door.

Receptionist: That would be the IRS sir.  Thanks for calling ObamaFlowers.  Have a nice day and God Bless America.

Written by DCL

December 6, 2013 at 1:46 pm

The Affordable Car Act (NO I did not misspell Car)

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The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable CAR Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new car by April, 2014.

Lightning-McQueenThese ‘affordable’ cars will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, tags, registration, fuel, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase cars. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ car of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new car. If you purchase your car before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ tires (does not include mounting).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable car,’ the cost of owning a car will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their car will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents car(s) to drive until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own car.

If you already have a car, you can keep it (unless it has more than 150 miles on it). If you don’t want or don’t need a car, you are required to buy one anyway. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable car’ from a private business, you can buy a starter car from the U.S. government ‘affordable car exchange.’  Such a car will have the basic necessities and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar car purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a car from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable car exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a *good deal.

Failure to use the car will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to roads are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, or lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your car.

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your car, along with how many people can ride in your car. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their car, and will also decide if your car has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories like spinning rims or a newer and more expensive car.

2013_mercedes-benz_s-class-pic-2731401808886937759

In fairness, those that can afford luxury cars will be required to purchase one. The government will also decide the color of each car. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials and their staff are **exempt from this new law. They are important and too busy running our lives to bother with the hassles and common folkishness of car shopping.  They and their families receive cars free, delivered to them at  tax payer expense.  This includes lifetime maintenance and automatic adjustments for fuel charges.

ENJOY YOUR NEW RIDE!

*Our good deals are made possible by the former Cash for Clunkers program.

**Unions, bankers, and mega companies with a history of large political affiliations/donations, Muslims, and Amish are also exempt.

(S A T I R E by S. Soloman that has been altered from boats to cars, with revisions and additions by TheLongVersion.)