The Long Version

Retired broadcast journalist. Blogging helps scratch the itch. Recovering exRepublican – Sober and still Conservative.

The Affordable Car Act (NO I did not misspell Car)

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The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable CAR Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new car by April, 2014.

Lightning-McQueenThese ‘affordable’ cars will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, tags, registration, fuel, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase cars. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ car of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new car. If you purchase your car before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ tires (does not include mounting).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable car,’ the cost of owning a car will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their car will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents car(s) to drive until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own car.

If you already have a car, you can keep it (unless it has more than 150 miles on it). If you don’t want or don’t need a car, you are required to buy one anyway. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable car’ from a private business, you can buy a starter car from the U.S. government ‘affordable car exchange.’  Such a car will have the basic necessities and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar car purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a car from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable car exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a *good deal.

Failure to use the car will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to roads are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, or lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your car.

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your car, along with how many people can ride in your car. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their car, and will also decide if your car has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories like spinning rims or a newer and more expensive car.

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In fairness, those that can afford luxury cars will be required to purchase one. The government will also decide the color of each car. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials and their staff are **exempt from this new law. They are important and too busy running our lives to bother with the hassles and common folkishness of car shopping.  They and their families receive cars free, delivered to them at  tax payer expense.  This includes lifetime maintenance and automatic adjustments for fuel charges.

ENJOY YOUR NEW RIDE!

*Our good deals are made possible by the former Cash for Clunkers program.

**Unions, bankers, and mega companies with a history of large political affiliations/donations, Muslims, and Amish are also exempt.

(S A T I R E by S. Soloman that has been altered from boats to cars, with revisions and additions by TheLongVersion.)

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